Those of us called to lead may very often find ourselves enduring years of inner turmoil and agony when our gifts do not seem to be of use in our lives or our purpose is unclear. The deepening desire to evolve can become a burdensome inexplicable sorrow in the absence of Source connection. Through these times we resist the shift of consciousness, some of us more obstinate than others to remove our focus from Fear and surrender to the Love ever present and available just beyond the fog of ego.
I dare share that my life’s journey thus far has led down many a road where the light of my soul was so completely and painfully eclipsed by suffering that I appeared, undeniably, to be an entirely different and an often unattractive human being. These repeated bouts of angst and disappointment birthed an intense longing for the experience of God’s truth and pure Love within. That longing grew over time and became an all encompassing burning desire until, I felt, there was nothing, no accomplishment, relationship or experience more vital to my next breath than to know my Source. At this time, the outer mask I wore was one of grief and defeat as though I’d lost the very essence of my soul. Emotionally, I stood lost in a dark maze of life and cursed the darkness so many days in so many ways. My closest friends and family had already come to know me as a brightly shining, intuitive and creative light who often lost herself in a web of darkness. You can imagine that my seemingly sudden emergence into alignment was met by great skepticism and even disbelief. Yet, irrefutable as the gifts of faith and grace, shift does indeed happen. We must know that it not only happens but if we let it, is the most natural and readily available experience of all. It is the solid, mountainous, centered direct knowing of Spirit’s indwelling loving presence.
Being an alchemist of the soul today, disbelief and cynicism now offer me the keys to open a door to profound humility and ground me in the very unglamorous hunger for alignment and connection to the Source at all times, under all conditions. Saint Maharaji Baba taught that to know God, one must have the thirst of a man lost in the desert without water for days. In that knowing, I am grateful for the maze and the darkness as it was necessary to create the burning desire that led me back to the Source. However, parallel to the humbling and grounding I experience when confronted by other peoples skepticism of my Truth, I am equally weighted by discomfort. As these feelings arise, I sit in a seat of defenselessness acknowledging that it is here to illuminate the ”growing edge”. In other words, show me what I must let go of to be free. A shift into growth and acceptance instead of resistance.
The rough edge of discomfort and defensiveness shine a light on my dependence on the approving thoughts and agreeable opinions of the people I love. Though I value them, I no longer require approval or even agreement to validate my Truth. In order to allow the full expression of the Divine to emerge as my life, I have learned to trust my own intuition emanating from the vibration of the greatest force in the universe as it lives in me. Trust, like knowing, lies within foremost. In trusting my Self, I must allow the totality of my light to outshine any meager egotistic temptation to explain, defend or convince anyone of who I am or what my purpose is – ever. Therein, the ultimate discovery is that the only action to be taken is returning to center and opening my heart evermore to Love such that cynicism or doubt are disintegrated in the light of direct knowing.
It is my calling to reveal the depths of my majestic evolution, to share the noisy and sometimes disheveled beauty of this Spirit path. It is my tall order from the universe and I yearn to fulfill it with every skill and blessing. I commune here with you trusting that God works in my words and voice to uncover the Light and Love available to us all behind the masks we all wear – through and beyond the noise, and tragedies as the shift happens.
